Lord, Kill Me

"God, kill me before I compromise."

Yes, I did pray that prayer before this school year started. 

I meant it too. Literally. 

God, if I start going down a road I shouldn't, kill me. Don't let me go there. Don't let me do it. Here, in this moment of sanity, before the craziness of the school year starts, know that I am serious about this. Do not  let me compromise my beliefs, my calling, my values or my standards. If I have some moment of stupidity, and I stop listening to You and I end up somewhere I shouldn't, just kill me.

Now, I don't know what you think of that prayer. Theologically, you can probly find loopholes. Like, Corinne, if your heart is really seeking God, you shouldn't have to pray something so dramatic. 

And you're probably right.

But I was desperate. Things were happening in the lives of people around me that I desperately wanted to avoid. I'm on a different track than they are, but I heard and saw the results and consequences of their compromises and all I could think was "God, I don't want that to be me." 

And failures start with little things. Little things here and there. 

As I was watching these friends struggle, this little voice came to me whispering "What makes you think you're any different? If those people could fail, what makes you any different?" 

And that is when I prayed it. "Dear God, kill me before I compromise." 

When I prayed it, I don't think I really realized what I prayed. I was thinking physical death, you know, like God would have me get in a car wreck before I went and had some huge moral failure. But here's what I've realized over the past few weeks....

He is killing me. 

Daily. 

So far this semester, I have been having to die to my own desires, dreams and wishes in order to pursue Him and His best. It's like, in order to keep me from any huge failure, He's giving me daily options to choose what's fine or what's His best. Cuz it's the little things in life. And in order to pursue His best, what He's really calling me to, I have to die to myself. And by daily dying for His best, it puts me on a track to avoid making huge mistakes. 

God kill me. 

I had no idea what that meant. It's one of those dangerous prayers that you don't really "get" until He answers it. Then a lightbulb goes on and you go "ohhhhhhh......got it. Wow." And then He brings Scriptures to mind like, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God..." (Galatians 2:20, for those of you wondering). 

God kill me. 

He is. He totally is. Not a sudden physical death. A slow, process-death of self. The kind where I lose myself, but end up finding who I really am in Him. Dying to myself to pursue His best and finding that best is so much better than my self. 

Every day.

God is killing me. 

Asking Why

We've all wanted to ask it.

Sometimes it's a quiet chuckle at God's sense of humor.

Why in the world...?

Other times, it's a tortured scream that emanates from every fiber within us.

Why would God....?!?

We ask it silently or out loud. Every single one of us comes face to face with this question at some point in our lives.

Why...?

Why?? Why would God...? Why would He....? Why would this....? Why did this...? How could God let this happen? Why would that person...? Why can't I...? Why would I...? Why am I...?

Things happen, most often out of our control, and we are left with no apparent reason for them to be happening. It makes no sense! This isn't what we wanted! This isn't what we signed up for! This isn't what we expected. This cannot be happening.

But it is.

Why??

In our age of knowledge and technology and science and education, we don't like not having answers. When someone gets sick, science and doctors are there to explain how. When storms come and destroy, meteorologists are here to tell us how it's happening. When things go wrong in society, everyone has an opinion on how it's happening and what the problem is.

But sometimes, even if we know the how and the what, no one can quite explain why.

When Hurricane Katrina destroyed so many people's homes and lives, we know how. We know what. But why?

There are fires raging all over the U.S. right now. We know how. We know what. But why?

When a loved one gets sick, we know how. We know what. But why?

When a family is ripped apart, we point at the how. We point at the what. But why?

And why does no one ever seem to have a good and satisfactory answer? At the end of the day, after all the discussions and projections, after everyone has given their opinion, after words have been said and thoughts sorted through...our souls still search. Our hearts still feel like they've been ripped out, our very beings tremble and strain. Our minds are restless and at our core, we're still crying...why?

And there in the silence, we stare up at whatever hopeless, desperate, or beyond-our-control situation looms over us, piercing our souls and daring us to make a choice as to whether we'll be defeated by it or not.

So many things happen in our lives. Things we would never wish to go through if we had the choice. Things we would never wish on other people. I don't know why diseases claim loved ones. I don't know why we lose jobs and homes. I don't know why relationships fall apart and families fall through the cracks. I don't know why we have to make tough decisions that we feel we shouldn't have to make. I don't know why people hurt us or why our lives sometimes seem to crumble around our ears, till we feel we're left standing in a pile of rubble.

But I do know this: That when we stand there in that pile of rubble, with all around us in shambles, there is the chance to rebuild. There, in the midst of the broken, is an opportunity for healing. There, in the midst of the burning fire, there are seeds being released to grow into something new. There, in the midst of the storm, there is the chance to rebuild. There, in middle of the pain, is the chance for us to see God.

Someday God may tell us why. But He also may not. Oftentimes we can look back on a situation, and while we may still not understand why, we see clearly the hands of God all over us. Molding us. Shaping us. Refining us. Bringing up our faults and weakness so we see them clearly and have no choice but to bring them before Him. 

It is in the valleys of life that I experience what I've been told on the mountain. On the mountain top, I see Him and experience Him. In the valley I experience Him so much more. Because when I come to the end of myself, I must run to Him. When life is too much for me, I have to go to the One who holds my life in His hands. When I have no answers, no strength, no wisdom, I have to go to the Source of those things.

Regardless of what happens in life, it happens because God wants to show us more of Himself. He shakes us out of our comfort zone because He wants to show us more. He takes us through fire because He wants to show us more. He stretches us and pushes us back on ourselves and molds us and grows us because He wants to take us deeper and higher and farther into Himself. 

"The pressure makes us stronger. The struggle makes us hunger. The hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it." (Fireflight, For Those Who Wait)

Who we are when we've gone through a struggle is not the same as we were when we went into it. The choice though, is ours, as to whether we will be better or worse for it. God has not abandoned us. Will we allow Him to make Himself known?

I said I don't know why God lets bad things happen. But maybe, the answer isn't as hard as we think. Maybe it's actually really simple. It doesn't make the pain go away, but when we look back, we see it.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me...For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10)

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

When our world falls apart, we see God.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I remember You...Deep calls to deep at the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life." (Psalm 42:5-8)

When our world falls apart, God has not left us.

"If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away? If You take it all, this life You've given, still my heart will sing to You...Even if You take it all away, You've never let me go. Take it all away, but I still know that I'm Yours. I'm still Yours." (Kutless, I'm Still Yours)

When your world falls apart, what will you do?

Something of Eternity

Some great sense of destiny hangs over me that I cannot explain or quite understand.

A sense that I am created for some great kingdom purpose. Not for my glory, but for His. Some great calling beckons me onward. To live daily and to live in such a way as to leave Christ's mark on the world. "That the world may know that there is a God in Israel." 

A God who answers by fire and reveals Himself in a whisper. 

A God who holds the universe in the palm of His hand. 

A God who someday I shall behold. A God who defines who I am and set me in this earth for some purpose. A God who has set something in my heart, something of eternity. A God who calls me closer and draws me further, demanding of me my life. 

To die for Him in the flesh is a small thing, for I have already forfeited my life to follow Him. I have exchanged my life for His and in so doing have gained full joy and completeness. My life is no longer my own to do with what I please, but it is His. 

To give up myself is a small sacrifice, for in so doing I have found Christ. One who gave all for me. What a beautiful exchange. Glory so fulfilling. Savior so delightful. I have lost myself and yet find myself complete in Him. 

And so I press on, eager to be "worthy of the calling" with which I am called. Dying daily, losing all, but gaining everything.

Some great purpose calls me forward. A great God draws me on. 

"But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death...I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me...I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:7-10, 12b, 14

"For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

-Philippians 1:21

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

-Galatians 2:20

"I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called"

-Ephesians 4:1

"...He has put eternity in their hearts..."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11b

Farther. Deeper. More.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

It's a new song by Hillsong United. Everybody's singing it. Something about it is resonating in the heart of the church. A cry is going out for God to stretch us.

That's a dangerous prayer. 

It's kinda like asking God for patience. Or asking Him to teach you to love. 

He does it. But usually not like we'd hoped. 

Usually asking for patience means God is going to bring some impossible person or circumstance for you to practice with.

Asking for Him to teach you to love usually means He's going to again bring some difficult circumstance for you to practice in. 

This song is asking Him to stretch our faith and trust. 

Wow.

Do we grasp what we're asking? Do we mean it? Do we grasp the gravity of what we're asking? 

Maybe that's why it's resonating inside the church so much. Maybe we're tired of the mundane, the going through life just getting by. We want more. We want to go farther, deeper, higher into what God has for us. We want to trust Him more so we can know Him more and go further into what He created us for. 

Praise the Lord.

I hope this song continues to resonate and resound through the heart of the church. I hope it rumbles through our chest cavity. I hope it shakes our core. I hope it becomes our heart's cry. I hope as we sing this song, the Holy Spirit brings it to life inside of us till it consumes us. I hope this song awakens something deep within us, something that may have been long awaiting such a battle cry. 

We want to go farther. We want to go deeper. We want more of God's presence. 

Spirit, lead our faith beyond the boxes we've put it in. Call us to follow You amidst impossible circumstances. Take us beyond ourselves and our comfort zones so we can grow in Your presence. 

It's a dangerous prayer. God really likes this kind of prayer. He likes to answer it. 

So, make this new song your heart's cry.

And be prepared for God to answer. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this new song by Hillsong! If you haven't heard it yet, here's a YouTube link. Take a listen! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neZkRT35J40

How does this song speak to you or resonate within you? What are some other heart cries in this song? 

How has God stretched your faith? In what other ways is He stretching You and revealing Himself to you?

Holiness is Dangerous

Holiness is dangerous.

It threatens complacency. It is the death warrant of my sinful lifestyle. It means the end of myself. Holiness destroys the comfortable lies I've settled in.
Holiness is dangerous.

"We have lost our sense of awe for the holiness of God."

I have not been able to shake this phrase from my mind. It keeps coming back. One of my college professors brought this up in class one day. We were talking about the tabernacle and worship in the Old Testament. And about God's holiness.

The Bible is full of stories of people who took holiness seriously and people who did not. God said don't do something, they didn't do it or there would be consequences (Don't touch the ark of the covenant or you'll die). God said do something. They did it and were blessed (Consecrate yourself and live according to what God says, and you'll be blessed and have peace). Or they did the complete opposite and suffered the consequences.

Holiness. Set apart. Consecrated. Purified. In the Old Testament, God chose the Israelites to be His people and to bear His name. The children of Israel were to be different from all the other nations who had pagan gods and demonic rituals and sinful lifestyles. The Israelites were called by the name of the Lord and were to follow the patterns of living that He set out. They were to be different from all the other nations, so that the world would know who the true God was. They were to be holy. Set apart unto the ways of God. Consecrated from the filth of the flesh and purified for worship of the one, true God. The God who defines holiness. He is holy.

It's interesting and incredibly sad to see what happened in the Old Testament when Israel compromised. When they decided they wanted to be like everybody else. When they decided to embrace the religious practices of the nations around them. When tolerance set in and it was decided that God's way wasn't the only way to do things.

Israel fell.

I'm not slamming Israel. Nor am I trying to make a point about America. This post has nothing to do with either. This is an illustration.

This is about you and me.

The nations of the world rise and fall. But we're not of this world, are we? We belong to a different nation. The spiritual Israel, if you will. The kingdom called by the name of the Lord and called to be holy as He is holy. Called to follow the patterns of living that He has set out. Called to be different from all other nations, so the world may know who the One True God is.

Called to be holy. Set apart from the ways of the world. Consecrated from sin and purified for a life of worship. Worship of the God who defines holiness. Who is holy.

And holiness is dangerous. The lifestyle God demands is dangerous. It is the death warrant of a sinful lifestyle. It is the threat to complacency. It means the end of myself. Holiness aims to destroy the comfortable lies I've settled myself into. It means I'm going to look different from the rest of the world.

It means no compromise. God's way is it or die.

Which the world finds a very threatening thought.

But no one ever said holiness and living for God was safe.

So live it anyways.

Don't Despise the Process

I love summer.

Summer means being woken up by sunshine streaming through my window. It means going to sleep to the sounds of frogs and crickets. It means sleeping with my window open and feeling breezes blow through my stuffy, second-story bedroom window.

Summer means BBQ chicken and lemonade at a picnic table with my family. It means camping trips and sleeping in. It means water fights and homemade ice cream.

Summer means working in the sun, refueling my depleted bank account, and getting my tan on.

Summer means no homework, no classes, no school. No papers, no due dates, no finals, no tests.

Wait, did I say no tests? I didn't mean that. But maybe tests isn't the right word. Maybe trial? Or refining? Or maybe process is a better word...

See, for the past three years now (ever since I started college), no school for me means processing time. Refining time. Trial time, test time. Summer means Corinne gets to reflect on the past school year and ask God what needs to change before the next school year.

This summer is no different.

Did you know that asking God to pry you open and shine His light into you is a dangerous thing to ask? It's like asking Him for patience. He grants your request but the process of it is not pleasant at all. When the process starts, you wish it would just get over with and the end result would just happen.

Unfortunately, in my 20 years and 11 months experience of living, I don't think God has ever been like "Hey, you need to fix this! So let's just fix it! Boom! You're fixed!"

Nope. Normally it goes more like this:
"Hey Corinne, we need to fix this. Let's go through this process of discovery and conviction and struggle and surrender, release and healing. It's going to be tough and it's going to hurt. Let's do it."

Ouch.

I heard someone say once that God is not so much interested in giving you what you want as He is in your knowing Him as the Giver. He's more interested in your knowing Him as Healer than He is interested in your healing (sidenote: do not misread this and say God doesn't want to heal. That's not what I'm saying).
I think the same principle applies here. God's primary goal is for us to know Him. The best way to get to know someone is to do life with them. Life is a process and a journey. So God walks us through life. Through the process. Through the journey. Cuz He wants us to know Him. So He uses our imperfections and our failures and our shortcomings and our trials and temptations and all our stuff to help us know Him. Nothing in this life is an end in and of itself. Every event, every relationship, every everything is placed in your life for the purpose of you knowing God more.

So, I guess what I'm saying is this: Don't despise the process by which God shapes your character and molds your heart. He wants you to know Him, so He'll shape you and help you do so. It's uncomfortable, it's painful, it's stretching and it's growing. But it's all those things for a purpose. Be uncomfortable. Hurt. Stretch. Grow. Know that this process is designed for you to run to the One who knows you best and who will not leave you to the process by yourself. Let Him walk you through it. Better yet, walk with Him through it. It's a process, not something to be jumped or skipped. Even though it hurts or is hard, it's ok. It won't last forever. And when we get to the end, the results will be worth the hard work. It'll be worth the process.

Strike a chord with you? I want to hear about it! :) Leave me a comment or shoot me an email! What process has God taken you through or is He taking you through? What did you learn about Him and yourself? Or what are you learning?

A College Student's Application of 1 Corinthians 13

August 30, 2012

If I get all A's and stay on top of all my homework, but don't love those around me, I'm wasting my time.

If I have the right answers and intelligent replies, but don't love those around me, my words are empty.

If I manage all my time well, get all tasks accomplished and all practice hours in, but don't love those around me, I've missed something.

Love means kind words and appropriate responses. Loe means smiling at and talking to anybody, regardless of their major, manners, personality or agreeableness. Love means patience and grace. Love means really listening. Love means helpfulness and sweetness, regardless of circumstances, emotions or personal opinion. Love means honesty without cruelty.

Wisdom will be needed. As will grace and discretion.

Lord, teach me to love You by loving Your people. Teach me how to love those I come into contact with. Teach me how to respond, how to act, how to speak, how to smile, how to look. Ultimately, may I be swallowed up in You. May You consume me so that when people see me, they see You and our relationship.