Blessed

Surprised by grace.

Caught off guard by the treasures.

Completely overwhelmed by the blessings.

I'm sitting in a classroom at New Hope Christian College. I'm the head of a chapel team. What does that mean, you ask? It means I oversee six other leaders who oversee six subgroups of people with different gifts, interests and abilities. All these people come together to plan and put on a chapel for the student body.

What does that have to do with being surprised by grace? 

I'm so glad you asked.

As I'm sitting here, I hear and observe my different leaders and their groups. I hear laughter from our Programming Fractal, as they watch and listen to the various creative elements they've each brought to the table. Our Communications Fractal just got done covering our next speaker in prayer. I hear exaggerated operatic voices singing song lyrics in our Frontlines Fractal and the strains of worship videos on YouTube playing. 

I am sitting here overwhelmed by the gift of the people in my life. 

In two months I graduate from New Hope Christian College. I'll be done and out of the picture. It's weird to think that within the next four years no one on this campus will know who I am. 

The past four years I have invested my life into this place, this family. I've laughed here, cried here, been overwhelmed by joy, stress, pain, and blessings. My time here has not been easy, but it has been one of the most influential and key seasons of my life in me becoming a leader and woman of God. 

And here, at the end of this chapter, I am overwhelmed by God's gifts. 

One of those being the amazing people I get to work with and build relationships with. 

Surviving Four Years of Bible College as a Single

"Ring by Spring or your money back!"

Oh, how I wish it were true. Cuz I would have about $40,000 coming my way in about four months! I have done it, ladies and gentlemen: I have survived four years of Bible college completely single! 

For those of you not lucky enough to attend a private Christian college for your extended education, and therefore don't understand my opening statement, let me quick clue you in: 

At Bible college, your single friends drop like flies. Everybody who goes to Bible college meets their spouse there. I can't tell you how many pastors I know of who are like, "Oh yeah, I met my wife in Bible college!" It's crazy. 

And soooo many of my friends at New Hope Christian College are either dating, engaged or married. Some of them now have children. It's crazy. Like, your senior classmates are all getting married and you're just like, "whoaah, weren't we just 18-year-old freshmen???" 

It's crazy.

And you yourself are over in the corner, dateless, friendless, alone....

KIDDING!!! Sometimes I do sit in the corners, but I'm hardly friendless. And while I may sound like I'm poking fun, I really do absolutely adore my friend-couples.  I love seeing the unique love stories God has written for them and it's a blast watching their relationships grow! They're beautiful.

And now you awesome singles are all like,

"Hey, um, Corinne, you're not making me feel very good about being single over here. It's Valentine's Day and I thought you were going to talk about surviving Bible college as a single."

Oh yeah, sorry. Stay with me. 

I am going to share five things that I have discovered in my 21 years of absolute singleness, the past four of which have been spent watching friends pair up while I remain...un-paired-up. They're attitudes and mindsets that keep me from freaking out about Valentine's Day. And weddings. And singleness in general :) Here we go:

#1. Life is too short to be bitter about being single. 

Seriously. Let's think about this. You're probably not going to be single for forever. Just because you're single now, doesn't mean it will always be this way! And how much do you miss now by being bitter about what you don't have? (Hint: a lot). 

#2. Singleness is a season and a gift. 

Yes, there are some people specially gifted by God to be single their whole lives. But as a friend of mine once put it, if you're wondering if you have the gift, you probably don't. You would know if you did. God created marriage, He invented relationships and He created us for it. So relax. This is not for forever. Enjoy where you are now because you'll never be here again! What are you doing with your emotional, spiritual, mental and physical energy in the meantime, in the here and now? Cuz it's not forever!

#3. Your value and worth are not based on the person (or lack thereof) at your side. 

This may sound like a no-brainer at surface level, but I think if we all look deeper into ourselves, we find that a lot of our discontentment in singleness has to do with our own insecurities. Not all, but a lot. Hey, it feels good to be important to someone, to be the answer to their world, to have their undivided attention. Makes us feel "worth it." But we need to realize we're "worth it," even if "it" isn't currently available to us (whatever "it" is). 

#4. Valentine's Day is NOT a holiday to freak out about. 

It's not that big of a deal. So you don't have a date, so what? There's nothing wrong with that. Refer back to point #3. And point #1. 

#5. God's plan is better than yours.

Like most cliche statements, It only sounds cliche because it's true. If you are currently single, you have the privilege of dealing with different challenges and trials and getting to seek God in different ways than you would if you were in a relationship. Relationships with a significant other are not the point of life. Relationship with God is the point. Any other relationship or lack thereof is an opportunity to know Him more. Stop trying to control your life and write your own story and instead decide to partner with God in the one He's already got planned for you (Ephesians 2:10 anyone?). 

Now, while I say all this, please know that I am SO excited for the day the right man of God walks into my life. I am ecstatic for the day we start a journey of relationship together. I am thrilled to think of the companionship, the adventures, and the challenges we'll walk in. I look forward to someday committing myself to one man for the rest of my life. 

BUT I'm not waiting or moping around. I'm living life. When our paths cross, it'll be because we're both heading somewhere, going the same direction. My life doesn't start when someone walks into it to complete me. My life is complete in Christ, and my life is now. Someday I'll get the blessing of joining my life to another, but until then, I've got things to do and people to meet and ministry to do and a Christ to devote myself to without distraction. 

Some days it's hard though, isn't it, my fellow single hearts? We long for someone to know us to know them ourselves like no one else does. We desire the companionship, and we ache for what we see in the couples around us. 

But you know, God knows the desires of our hearts and He doesn't put them there to tease us. But also know that nothing on this earth is an end in and of itself. It's a means to an end, the end being knowing God Himself. He's the point, He's the goal. Not the cute guy or girl you wish was at your side. He's not so concerned about you finding a relationship with a guy to girl as He is about you finding relationship in Him. 

To wrap all this up, I say this: relax. Stop freaking out. You're ok. There's nothing wrong with you and God hasn't left you hanging. Is it easy? No. Does it sometimes suck? Yes. Do we have unique challenges to overcome in our generation? Yes, yes we do. 

But please live your life. Please live free of bitterness and moping and insecurity. That's not what God intends for you. Do what He's put in front of you, live where He has you and trust He'll give you the desires of your heart as you delight yourself in Him. 

Happy Valentine's Day. ;) 

From the Journal of a Bible College Student: Relationship with God

May 12, 2013
Lord, here I am. Wanting to be very raw and real. Plow the soil of my heart. Deal with me. Bring things up by Your Holy Spirit.

I haven't been listening. My spiritual ears are deafened. I haven't been believing. Why? Where has my faith gone? I've brushed so many things aside, so much I just made head knowledge.

So many callouses. So much hard heartedness. And so much insecurity about my weaknesses and insecurities.

God, break me open.

I am so selfish. I have reverted inwards to where I am the center. This should not be!

God, shine Your light into me. Into every crack and crevice of my soul, every corner of my mind, every part of my being. Shine into me, illuminate and expose even the very dusty corners. Illuminate and expose the dark and secret places of my innermost self. Penetrate to my very core. Your word can do that. Your Word is a light and a sword and I pray that it would cut into me and expose me. Past the layers. Past the self-defenses of image and sarcasm and goofiness. Through the insecurities and doubts and fears. Through the tough shell and the soft shell. Through my desires and hopes and dreams.

What are You saying to me? Open my ears. Open my eyes. Soften my heart.

Plow the soil of my heart.

I want to know You.

And I want to be whole again. I want to be holy. Because You are holy.

Yes I did.

I wrote all that. In my journal. Last May, after my Junior year at New Hope.

I go to Bible college, y'all. I know the Bible. I'm learning to study it. I'm learning all the right answers. I'm learning how to do ministry, how to lead, how to worship, how to read the Bible, how to apply it to my life. I'm learning about God.

But I realized I was missing something.

And it wasn't anyone's fault but my own.

When I got to the end of the school year last May, I felt so dead. Did you know that you can spend ALL your time around God's word and His people and even in His presence and still miss something? Did you know it's possible to lose passion for God in a Bible college? Did you know it's possible to read His word and it not change you?

It is.

I had it happen.

Here's what I missed:

I missed the relationship part of my relationship with God.

Sounds crazy, huh? How do you have a relationship with God and yet miss the relational aspect of it?

Exactly.

I had made my Spiritual life with God an academic exercise. When I read my Bible, all I tried to do was extrapolate whatever I could out of it and then tried to cram it down my own throat. I never took time to really listen to what God would say to me. I never spent time just worshiping Him in private or secret. I never spend time alone with Him. Not quality time. I always put it off. I always put off the still, small voice that would say "Come away with Me." I stuffed things down, thinking "oh, I'll deal with that later. I'm too busy to let God speak into that now." And after stuffing things down for so long, always being too busy to spend real time with God, I reached the point where I just couldn't hear or be still anymore.

         

It was like being in a relationship you're too busy for. I knew so much about God. But I forgot to make effort to know Him, not just about Him. And there is no one to blame but myself.

It isn't Bible college that does this to us, guys. We do it to ourselves. It's the condition of our own hearts.

So at the end of last year, I found myself putting on paper the words you find above. It was a prayer I really meant. I realized I couldn't fix myself or undo what I had done. I couldn't rescue myself from the point of numbness I had reached. And looking back over this past summer, it's a prayer God has been answering. Which means I've experienced some "good pain" this summer. Because when God exposes what's wrong in you and then moves to fix it, it means peeling off some scabs and doing some surgery. God brought me through some circumstances that did just that. And through it all, I had to seek Him to get answers. I had to seek Him to understand, to process what was going on.

So what is my point? I have three. They are these:

• Life is about relationship with God. If we make it about anything else, we miss something.

• Regardless of where you have been or are now in your relationship with God, you're not too far gone for Him to heal. And He is the one who does the healing. We can't heal ourselves. We can't open our own ears. We can't teach ourselves lessons. We can't do surgery on ourselves. If we try, we'll just mess ourselves up more.

• Surrender is a beautiful word. It's the point I came to last May. It's where I came to the end of trying to fix my relationship with God and finally just submitted myself to Him again.

Surrender. That's where I met Him. He was always there to meet me, but that's where I met Him.

Hope this encourages you. :)

                       

Lord, Kill Me

"God, kill me before I compromise."

Yes, I did pray that prayer before this school year started. 

I meant it too. Literally. 

God, if I start going down a road I shouldn't, kill me. Don't let me go there. Don't let me do it. Here, in this moment of sanity, before the craziness of the school year starts, know that I am serious about this. Do not  let me compromise my beliefs, my calling, my values or my standards. If I have some moment of stupidity, and I stop listening to You and I end up somewhere I shouldn't, just kill me.

Now, I don't know what you think of that prayer. Theologically, you can probly find loopholes. Like, Corinne, if your heart is really seeking God, you shouldn't have to pray something so dramatic. 

And you're probably right.

But I was desperate. Things were happening in the lives of people around me that I desperately wanted to avoid. I'm on a different track than they are, but I heard and saw the results and consequences of their compromises and all I could think was "God, I don't want that to be me." 

And failures start with little things. Little things here and there. 

As I was watching these friends struggle, this little voice came to me whispering "What makes you think you're any different? If those people could fail, what makes you any different?" 

And that is when I prayed it. "Dear God, kill me before I compromise." 

When I prayed it, I don't think I really realized what I prayed. I was thinking physical death, you know, like God would have me get in a car wreck before I went and had some huge moral failure. But here's what I've realized over the past few weeks....

He is killing me. 

Daily. 

So far this semester, I have been having to die to my own desires, dreams and wishes in order to pursue Him and His best. It's like, in order to keep me from any huge failure, He's giving me daily options to choose what's fine or what's His best. Cuz it's the little things in life. And in order to pursue His best, what He's really calling me to, I have to die to myself. And by daily dying for His best, it puts me on a track to avoid making huge mistakes. 

God kill me. 

I had no idea what that meant. It's one of those dangerous prayers that you don't really "get" until He answers it. Then a lightbulb goes on and you go "ohhhhhhh......got it. Wow." And then He brings Scriptures to mind like, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God..." (Galatians 2:20, for those of you wondering). 

God kill me. 

He is. He totally is. Not a sudden physical death. A slow, process-death of self. The kind where I lose myself, but end up finding who I really am in Him. Dying to myself to pursue His best and finding that best is so much better than my self. 

Every day.

God is killing me. 

Asking Why

We've all wanted to ask it.

Sometimes it's a quiet chuckle at God's sense of humor.

Why in the world...?

Other times, it's a tortured scream that emanates from every fiber within us.

Why would God....?!?

We ask it silently or out loud. Every single one of us comes face to face with this question at some point in our lives.

Why...?

Why?? Why would God...? Why would He....? Why would this....? Why did this...? How could God let this happen? Why would that person...? Why can't I...? Why would I...? Why am I...?

Things happen, most often out of our control, and we are left with no apparent reason for them to be happening. It makes no sense! This isn't what we wanted! This isn't what we signed up for! This isn't what we expected. This cannot be happening.

But it is.

Why??

In our age of knowledge and technology and science and education, we don't like not having answers. When someone gets sick, science and doctors are there to explain how. When storms come and destroy, meteorologists are here to tell us how it's happening. When things go wrong in society, everyone has an opinion on how it's happening and what the problem is.

But sometimes, even if we know the how and the what, no one can quite explain why.

When Hurricane Katrina destroyed so many people's homes and lives, we know how. We know what. But why?

There are fires raging all over the U.S. right now. We know how. We know what. But why?

When a loved one gets sick, we know how. We know what. But why?

When a family is ripped apart, we point at the how. We point at the what. But why?

And why does no one ever seem to have a good and satisfactory answer? At the end of the day, after all the discussions and projections, after everyone has given their opinion, after words have been said and thoughts sorted through...our souls still search. Our hearts still feel like they've been ripped out, our very beings tremble and strain. Our minds are restless and at our core, we're still crying...why?

And there in the silence, we stare up at whatever hopeless, desperate, or beyond-our-control situation looms over us, piercing our souls and daring us to make a choice as to whether we'll be defeated by it or not.

So many things happen in our lives. Things we would never wish to go through if we had the choice. Things we would never wish on other people. I don't know why diseases claim loved ones. I don't know why we lose jobs and homes. I don't know why relationships fall apart and families fall through the cracks. I don't know why we have to make tough decisions that we feel we shouldn't have to make. I don't know why people hurt us or why our lives sometimes seem to crumble around our ears, till we feel we're left standing in a pile of rubble.

But I do know this: That when we stand there in that pile of rubble, with all around us in shambles, there is the chance to rebuild. There, in the midst of the broken, is an opportunity for healing. There, in the midst of the burning fire, there are seeds being released to grow into something new. There, in the midst of the storm, there is the chance to rebuild. There, in middle of the pain, is the chance for us to see God.

Someday God may tell us why. But He also may not. Oftentimes we can look back on a situation, and while we may still not understand why, we see clearly the hands of God all over us. Molding us. Shaping us. Refining us. Bringing up our faults and weakness so we see them clearly and have no choice but to bring them before Him. 

It is in the valleys of life that I experience what I've been told on the mountain. On the mountain top, I see Him and experience Him. In the valley I experience Him so much more. Because when I come to the end of myself, I must run to Him. When life is too much for me, I have to go to the One who holds my life in His hands. When I have no answers, no strength, no wisdom, I have to go to the Source of those things.

Regardless of what happens in life, it happens because God wants to show us more of Himself. He shakes us out of our comfort zone because He wants to show us more. He takes us through fire because He wants to show us more. He stretches us and pushes us back on ourselves and molds us and grows us because He wants to take us deeper and higher and farther into Himself. 

"The pressure makes us stronger. The struggle makes us hunger. The hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it." (Fireflight, For Those Who Wait)

Who we are when we've gone through a struggle is not the same as we were when we went into it. The choice though, is ours, as to whether we will be better or worse for it. God has not abandoned us. Will we allow Him to make Himself known?

I said I don't know why God lets bad things happen. But maybe, the answer isn't as hard as we think. Maybe it's actually really simple. It doesn't make the pain go away, but when we look back, we see it.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me...For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10)

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

When our world falls apart, we see God.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I remember You...Deep calls to deep at the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life." (Psalm 42:5-8)

When our world falls apart, God has not left us.

"If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away? If You take it all, this life You've given, still my heart will sing to You...Even if You take it all away, You've never let me go. Take it all away, but I still know that I'm Yours. I'm still Yours." (Kutless, I'm Still Yours)

When your world falls apart, what will you do?

Something of Eternity

Some great sense of destiny hangs over me that I cannot explain or quite understand.

A sense that I am created for some great kingdom purpose. Not for my glory, but for His. Some great calling beckons me onward. To live daily and to live in such a way as to leave Christ's mark on the world. "That the world may know that there is a God in Israel." 

A God who answers by fire and reveals Himself in a whisper. 

A God who holds the universe in the palm of His hand. 

A God who someday I shall behold. A God who defines who I am and set me in this earth for some purpose. A God who has set something in my heart, something of eternity. A God who calls me closer and draws me further, demanding of me my life. 

To die for Him in the flesh is a small thing, for I have already forfeited my life to follow Him. I have exchanged my life for His and in so doing have gained full joy and completeness. My life is no longer my own to do with what I please, but it is His. 

To give up myself is a small sacrifice, for in so doing I have found Christ. One who gave all for me. What a beautiful exchange. Glory so fulfilling. Savior so delightful. I have lost myself and yet find myself complete in Him. 

And so I press on, eager to be "worthy of the calling" with which I am called. Dying daily, losing all, but gaining everything.

Some great purpose calls me forward. A great God draws me on. 

"But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death...I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me...I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:7-10, 12b, 14

"For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

-Philippians 1:21

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

-Galatians 2:20

"I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called"

-Ephesians 4:1

"...He has put eternity in their hearts..."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11b

Farther. Deeper. More.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

It's a new song by Hillsong United. Everybody's singing it. Something about it is resonating in the heart of the church. A cry is going out for God to stretch us.

That's a dangerous prayer. 

It's kinda like asking God for patience. Or asking Him to teach you to love. 

He does it. But usually not like we'd hoped. 

Usually asking for patience means God is going to bring some impossible person or circumstance for you to practice with.

Asking for Him to teach you to love usually means He's going to again bring some difficult circumstance for you to practice in. 

This song is asking Him to stretch our faith and trust. 

Wow.

Do we grasp what we're asking? Do we mean it? Do we grasp the gravity of what we're asking? 

Maybe that's why it's resonating inside the church so much. Maybe we're tired of the mundane, the going through life just getting by. We want more. We want to go farther, deeper, higher into what God has for us. We want to trust Him more so we can know Him more and go further into what He created us for. 

Praise the Lord.

I hope this song continues to resonate and resound through the heart of the church. I hope it rumbles through our chest cavity. I hope it shakes our core. I hope it becomes our heart's cry. I hope as we sing this song, the Holy Spirit brings it to life inside of us till it consumes us. I hope this song awakens something deep within us, something that may have been long awaiting such a battle cry. 

We want to go farther. We want to go deeper. We want more of God's presence. 

Spirit, lead our faith beyond the boxes we've put it in. Call us to follow You amidst impossible circumstances. Take us beyond ourselves and our comfort zones so we can grow in Your presence. 

It's a dangerous prayer. God really likes this kind of prayer. He likes to answer it. 

So, make this new song your heart's cry.

And be prepared for God to answer. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this new song by Hillsong! If you haven't heard it yet, here's a YouTube link. Take a listen! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neZkRT35J40

How does this song speak to you or resonate within you? What are some other heart cries in this song? 

How has God stretched your faith? In what other ways is He stretching You and revealing Himself to you?