Yes, I did pray that prayer before this school year started.
I meant it too. Literally.
God, if I start going down a road I shouldn't, kill me. Don't let me go there. Don't let me do it. Here, in this moment of sanity, before the craziness of the school year starts, know that I am serious about this. Do not let me compromise my beliefs, my calling, my values or my standards. If I have some moment of stupidity, and I stop listening to You and I end up somewhere I shouldn't, just kill me.
Now, I don't know what you think of that prayer. Theologically, you can probly find loopholes. Like, Corinne, if your heart is really seeking God, you shouldn't have to pray something so dramatic.
And you're probably right.
But I was desperate. Things were happening in the lives of people around me that I desperately wanted to avoid. I'm on a different track than they are, but I heard and saw the results and consequences of their compromises and all I could think was "God, I don't want that to be me."
And failures start with little things. Little things here and there.
As I was watching these friends struggle, this little voice came to me whispering "What makes you think you're any different? If those people could fail, what makes you any different?"
And that is when I prayed it. "Dear God, kill me before I compromise."
When I prayed it, I don't think I really realized what I prayed. I was thinking physical death, you know, like God would have me get in a car wreck before I went and had some huge moral failure. But here's what I've realized over the past few weeks....
He is killing me.
Daily.
So far this semester, I have been having to die to my own desires, dreams and wishes in order to pursue Him and His best. It's like, in order to keep me from any huge failure, He's giving me daily options to choose what's fine or what's His best. Cuz it's the little things in life. And in order to pursue His best, what He's really calling me to, I have to die to myself. And by daily dying for His best, it puts me on a track to avoid making huge mistakes.
God kill me.
I had no idea what that meant. It's one of those dangerous prayers that you don't really "get" until He answers it. Then a lightbulb goes on and you go "ohhhhhhh......got it. Wow." And then He brings Scriptures to mind like, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God..." (Galatians 2:20, for those of you wondering).
God kill me.
He is. He totally is. Not a sudden physical death. A slow, process-death of self. The kind where I lose myself, but end up finding who I really am in Him. Dying to myself to pursue His best and finding that best is so much better than my self.
Every day.
God is killing me.
