Yes, I did pray that prayer before this school year started.
I meant it too. Literally.
God, if I start going down a road I shouldn't, kill me. Don't let me go there. Don't let me do it. Here, in this moment of sanity, before the craziness of the school year starts, know that I am serious about this. Do not let me compromise my beliefs, my calling, my values or my standards. If I have some moment of stupidity, and I stop listening to You and I end up somewhere I shouldn't, just kill me.
Now, I don't know what you think of that prayer. Theologically, you can probly find loopholes. Like, Corinne, if your heart is really seeking God, you shouldn't have to pray something so dramatic.
And you're probably right.
But I was desperate. Things were happening in the lives of people around me that I desperately wanted to avoid. I'm on a different track than they are, but I heard and saw the results and consequences of their compromises and all I could think was "God, I don't want that to be me."
And failures start with little things. Little things here and there.
As I was watching these friends struggle, this little voice came to me whispering "What makes you think you're any different? If those people could fail, what makes you any different?"
And that is when I prayed it. "Dear God, kill me before I compromise."
When I prayed it, I don't think I really realized what I prayed. I was thinking physical death, you know, like God would have me get in a car wreck before I went and had some huge moral failure. But here's what I've realized over the past few weeks....
He is killing me.
Daily.
So far this semester, I have been having to die to my own desires, dreams and wishes in order to pursue Him and His best. It's like, in order to keep me from any huge failure, He's giving me daily options to choose what's fine or what's His best. Cuz it's the little things in life. And in order to pursue His best, what He's really calling me to, I have to die to myself. And by daily dying for His best, it puts me on a track to avoid making huge mistakes.
God kill me.
I had no idea what that meant. It's one of those dangerous prayers that you don't really "get" until He answers it. Then a lightbulb goes on and you go "ohhhhhhh......got it. Wow." And then He brings Scriptures to mind like, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God..." (Galatians 2:20, for those of you wondering).
God kill me.
He is. He totally is. Not a sudden physical death. A slow, process-death of self. The kind where I lose myself, but end up finding who I really am in Him. Dying to myself to pursue His best and finding that best is so much better than my self.
Every day.
God is killing me.
Fear and desperation are two emotions that feel similar. "God kill me!" Was such a prayer found in the weak places of our own humanity, or is it a prayer coming from places of faith that manifests out of a desire for His holiness? Do I fear my failure will besmirch His name or mine? "God kill me", as an act of protecting and honoring His name is a faith prayer. "God kill me", as an act of protecting and honoring my own name is an act of fear. May you always be a daughter of the most High praying such prayers out of the place of faith.
ReplyDeleteMMmm. *Hug* So true. So true, indeed. I love how we think He answers prayer one way, but His plan is always coming around at a different angle, it seems. <3
ReplyDeleteHello Corinne Elise. so good to know you through your profile on the blogger. I am glad that could stop by your blog "Looking for His Love Notes" and the post on it "Lord Kill Me". The prayer you prayed is very through provoking and raises question. In the Old Testament you come across God's wroth on people who disobeyed Him.But we are in a time where God's grace abounds because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the Cross where He forgives us and gives us grace to over come desires of our flesh so that we walk in the Spirit and daily die to self.
ReplyDeleteWell thank you so much for your desire to be perfect and not to compromise with the worldly standards. I am in the Pastoral ministry for last 33 yrs in the great city of Mumbai, India a city with great contrast where richest of rich and poorest of poor live. We reach out to the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the broken hearted. We also encourage young people like you as well as adults from the West to come to Mumbai on a short term missions trip during their vacation time tow work with us. We would love to have you come to work with us with your friends. I am sure you will have a life changing experience. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmai(dot)com and my name is Diwakar wankhede. Would love to hear from you very soon.
Thank you so much for your response Diwakar! I am so honored that my blog is touching people across oceans!
DeleteThe Lord bless you in your ministry! Pehaps someday I will have an opportunity to travel to your country. I would love that. Are you the pastor of a church?