From the Journal of a Bible College Student: Relationship with God

May 12, 2013
Lord, here I am. Wanting to be very raw and real. Plow the soil of my heart. Deal with me. Bring things up by Your Holy Spirit.

I haven't been listening. My spiritual ears are deafened. I haven't been believing. Why? Where has my faith gone? I've brushed so many things aside, so much I just made head knowledge.

So many callouses. So much hard heartedness. And so much insecurity about my weaknesses and insecurities.

God, break me open.

I am so selfish. I have reverted inwards to where I am the center. This should not be!

God, shine Your light into me. Into every crack and crevice of my soul, every corner of my mind, every part of my being. Shine into me, illuminate and expose even the very dusty corners. Illuminate and expose the dark and secret places of my innermost self. Penetrate to my very core. Your word can do that. Your Word is a light and a sword and I pray that it would cut into me and expose me. Past the layers. Past the self-defenses of image and sarcasm and goofiness. Through the insecurities and doubts and fears. Through the tough shell and the soft shell. Through my desires and hopes and dreams.

What are You saying to me? Open my ears. Open my eyes. Soften my heart.

Plow the soil of my heart.

I want to know You.

And I want to be whole again. I want to be holy. Because You are holy.

Yes I did.

I wrote all that. In my journal. Last May, after my Junior year at New Hope.

I go to Bible college, y'all. I know the Bible. I'm learning to study it. I'm learning all the right answers. I'm learning how to do ministry, how to lead, how to worship, how to read the Bible, how to apply it to my life. I'm learning about God.

But I realized I was missing something.

And it wasn't anyone's fault but my own.

When I got to the end of the school year last May, I felt so dead. Did you know that you can spend ALL your time around God's word and His people and even in His presence and still miss something? Did you know it's possible to lose passion for God in a Bible college? Did you know it's possible to read His word and it not change you?

It is.

I had it happen.

Here's what I missed:

I missed the relationship part of my relationship with God.

Sounds crazy, huh? How do you have a relationship with God and yet miss the relational aspect of it?

Exactly.

I had made my Spiritual life with God an academic exercise. When I read my Bible, all I tried to do was extrapolate whatever I could out of it and then tried to cram it down my own throat. I never took time to really listen to what God would say to me. I never spent time just worshiping Him in private or secret. I never spend time alone with Him. Not quality time. I always put it off. I always put off the still, small voice that would say "Come away with Me." I stuffed things down, thinking "oh, I'll deal with that later. I'm too busy to let God speak into that now." And after stuffing things down for so long, always being too busy to spend real time with God, I reached the point where I just couldn't hear or be still anymore.

         

It was like being in a relationship you're too busy for. I knew so much about God. But I forgot to make effort to know Him, not just about Him. And there is no one to blame but myself.

It isn't Bible college that does this to us, guys. We do it to ourselves. It's the condition of our own hearts.

So at the end of last year, I found myself putting on paper the words you find above. It was a prayer I really meant. I realized I couldn't fix myself or undo what I had done. I couldn't rescue myself from the point of numbness I had reached. And looking back over this past summer, it's a prayer God has been answering. Which means I've experienced some "good pain" this summer. Because when God exposes what's wrong in you and then moves to fix it, it means peeling off some scabs and doing some surgery. God brought me through some circumstances that did just that. And through it all, I had to seek Him to get answers. I had to seek Him to understand, to process what was going on.

So what is my point? I have three. They are these:

• Life is about relationship with God. If we make it about anything else, we miss something.

• Regardless of where you have been or are now in your relationship with God, you're not too far gone for Him to heal. And He is the one who does the healing. We can't heal ourselves. We can't open our own ears. We can't teach ourselves lessons. We can't do surgery on ourselves. If we try, we'll just mess ourselves up more.

• Surrender is a beautiful word. It's the point I came to last May. It's where I came to the end of trying to fix my relationship with God and finally just submitted myself to Him again.

Surrender. That's where I met Him. He was always there to meet me, but that's where I met Him.

Hope this encourages you. :)

                       

Lord, Kill Me

"God, kill me before I compromise."

Yes, I did pray that prayer before this school year started. 

I meant it too. Literally. 

God, if I start going down a road I shouldn't, kill me. Don't let me go there. Don't let me do it. Here, in this moment of sanity, before the craziness of the school year starts, know that I am serious about this. Do not  let me compromise my beliefs, my calling, my values or my standards. If I have some moment of stupidity, and I stop listening to You and I end up somewhere I shouldn't, just kill me.

Now, I don't know what you think of that prayer. Theologically, you can probly find loopholes. Like, Corinne, if your heart is really seeking God, you shouldn't have to pray something so dramatic. 

And you're probably right.

But I was desperate. Things were happening in the lives of people around me that I desperately wanted to avoid. I'm on a different track than they are, but I heard and saw the results and consequences of their compromises and all I could think was "God, I don't want that to be me." 

And failures start with little things. Little things here and there. 

As I was watching these friends struggle, this little voice came to me whispering "What makes you think you're any different? If those people could fail, what makes you any different?" 

And that is when I prayed it. "Dear God, kill me before I compromise." 

When I prayed it, I don't think I really realized what I prayed. I was thinking physical death, you know, like God would have me get in a car wreck before I went and had some huge moral failure. But here's what I've realized over the past few weeks....

He is killing me. 

Daily. 

So far this semester, I have been having to die to my own desires, dreams and wishes in order to pursue Him and His best. It's like, in order to keep me from any huge failure, He's giving me daily options to choose what's fine or what's His best. Cuz it's the little things in life. And in order to pursue His best, what He's really calling me to, I have to die to myself. And by daily dying for His best, it puts me on a track to avoid making huge mistakes. 

God kill me. 

I had no idea what that meant. It's one of those dangerous prayers that you don't really "get" until He answers it. Then a lightbulb goes on and you go "ohhhhhhh......got it. Wow." And then He brings Scriptures to mind like, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God..." (Galatians 2:20, for those of you wondering). 

God kill me. 

He is. He totally is. Not a sudden physical death. A slow, process-death of self. The kind where I lose myself, but end up finding who I really am in Him. Dying to myself to pursue His best and finding that best is so much better than my self. 

Every day.

God is killing me. 

Asking Why

We've all wanted to ask it.

Sometimes it's a quiet chuckle at God's sense of humor.

Why in the world...?

Other times, it's a tortured scream that emanates from every fiber within us.

Why would God....?!?

We ask it silently or out loud. Every single one of us comes face to face with this question at some point in our lives.

Why...?

Why?? Why would God...? Why would He....? Why would this....? Why did this...? How could God let this happen? Why would that person...? Why can't I...? Why would I...? Why am I...?

Things happen, most often out of our control, and we are left with no apparent reason for them to be happening. It makes no sense! This isn't what we wanted! This isn't what we signed up for! This isn't what we expected. This cannot be happening.

But it is.

Why??

In our age of knowledge and technology and science and education, we don't like not having answers. When someone gets sick, science and doctors are there to explain how. When storms come and destroy, meteorologists are here to tell us how it's happening. When things go wrong in society, everyone has an opinion on how it's happening and what the problem is.

But sometimes, even if we know the how and the what, no one can quite explain why.

When Hurricane Katrina destroyed so many people's homes and lives, we know how. We know what. But why?

There are fires raging all over the U.S. right now. We know how. We know what. But why?

When a loved one gets sick, we know how. We know what. But why?

When a family is ripped apart, we point at the how. We point at the what. But why?

And why does no one ever seem to have a good and satisfactory answer? At the end of the day, after all the discussions and projections, after everyone has given their opinion, after words have been said and thoughts sorted through...our souls still search. Our hearts still feel like they've been ripped out, our very beings tremble and strain. Our minds are restless and at our core, we're still crying...why?

And there in the silence, we stare up at whatever hopeless, desperate, or beyond-our-control situation looms over us, piercing our souls and daring us to make a choice as to whether we'll be defeated by it or not.

So many things happen in our lives. Things we would never wish to go through if we had the choice. Things we would never wish on other people. I don't know why diseases claim loved ones. I don't know why we lose jobs and homes. I don't know why relationships fall apart and families fall through the cracks. I don't know why we have to make tough decisions that we feel we shouldn't have to make. I don't know why people hurt us or why our lives sometimes seem to crumble around our ears, till we feel we're left standing in a pile of rubble.

But I do know this: That when we stand there in that pile of rubble, with all around us in shambles, there is the chance to rebuild. There, in the midst of the broken, is an opportunity for healing. There, in the midst of the burning fire, there are seeds being released to grow into something new. There, in the midst of the storm, there is the chance to rebuild. There, in middle of the pain, is the chance for us to see God.

Someday God may tell us why. But He also may not. Oftentimes we can look back on a situation, and while we may still not understand why, we see clearly the hands of God all over us. Molding us. Shaping us. Refining us. Bringing up our faults and weakness so we see them clearly and have no choice but to bring them before Him. 

It is in the valleys of life that I experience what I've been told on the mountain. On the mountain top, I see Him and experience Him. In the valley I experience Him so much more. Because when I come to the end of myself, I must run to Him. When life is too much for me, I have to go to the One who holds my life in His hands. When I have no answers, no strength, no wisdom, I have to go to the Source of those things.

Regardless of what happens in life, it happens because God wants to show us more of Himself. He shakes us out of our comfort zone because He wants to show us more. He takes us through fire because He wants to show us more. He stretches us and pushes us back on ourselves and molds us and grows us because He wants to take us deeper and higher and farther into Himself. 

"The pressure makes us stronger. The struggle makes us hunger. The hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it." (Fireflight, For Those Who Wait)

Who we are when we've gone through a struggle is not the same as we were when we went into it. The choice though, is ours, as to whether we will be better or worse for it. God has not abandoned us. Will we allow Him to make Himself known?

I said I don't know why God lets bad things happen. But maybe, the answer isn't as hard as we think. Maybe it's actually really simple. It doesn't make the pain go away, but when we look back, we see it.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me...For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10)

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

When our world falls apart, we see God.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I remember You...Deep calls to deep at the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life." (Psalm 42:5-8)

When our world falls apart, God has not left us.

"If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away? If You take it all, this life You've given, still my heart will sing to You...Even if You take it all away, You've never let me go. Take it all away, but I still know that I'm Yours. I'm still Yours." (Kutless, I'm Still Yours)

When your world falls apart, what will you do?

Something of Eternity

Some great sense of destiny hangs over me that I cannot explain or quite understand.

A sense that I am created for some great kingdom purpose. Not for my glory, but for His. Some great calling beckons me onward. To live daily and to live in such a way as to leave Christ's mark on the world. "That the world may know that there is a God in Israel." 

A God who answers by fire and reveals Himself in a whisper. 

A God who holds the universe in the palm of His hand. 

A God who someday I shall behold. A God who defines who I am and set me in this earth for some purpose. A God who has set something in my heart, something of eternity. A God who calls me closer and draws me further, demanding of me my life. 

To die for Him in the flesh is a small thing, for I have already forfeited my life to follow Him. I have exchanged my life for His and in so doing have gained full joy and completeness. My life is no longer my own to do with what I please, but it is His. 

To give up myself is a small sacrifice, for in so doing I have found Christ. One who gave all for me. What a beautiful exchange. Glory so fulfilling. Savior so delightful. I have lost myself and yet find myself complete in Him. 

And so I press on, eager to be "worthy of the calling" with which I am called. Dying daily, losing all, but gaining everything.

Some great purpose calls me forward. A great God draws me on. 

"But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death...I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me...I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:7-10, 12b, 14

"For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

-Philippians 1:21

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

-Galatians 2:20

"I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called"

-Ephesians 4:1

"...He has put eternity in their hearts..."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11b

Farther. Deeper. More.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

It's a new song by Hillsong United. Everybody's singing it. Something about it is resonating in the heart of the church. A cry is going out for God to stretch us.

That's a dangerous prayer. 

It's kinda like asking God for patience. Or asking Him to teach you to love. 

He does it. But usually not like we'd hoped. 

Usually asking for patience means God is going to bring some impossible person or circumstance for you to practice with.

Asking for Him to teach you to love usually means He's going to again bring some difficult circumstance for you to practice in. 

This song is asking Him to stretch our faith and trust. 

Wow.

Do we grasp what we're asking? Do we mean it? Do we grasp the gravity of what we're asking? 

Maybe that's why it's resonating inside the church so much. Maybe we're tired of the mundane, the going through life just getting by. We want more. We want to go farther, deeper, higher into what God has for us. We want to trust Him more so we can know Him more and go further into what He created us for. 

Praise the Lord.

I hope this song continues to resonate and resound through the heart of the church. I hope it rumbles through our chest cavity. I hope it shakes our core. I hope it becomes our heart's cry. I hope as we sing this song, the Holy Spirit brings it to life inside of us till it consumes us. I hope this song awakens something deep within us, something that may have been long awaiting such a battle cry. 

We want to go farther. We want to go deeper. We want more of God's presence. 

Spirit, lead our faith beyond the boxes we've put it in. Call us to follow You amidst impossible circumstances. Take us beyond ourselves and our comfort zones so we can grow in Your presence. 

It's a dangerous prayer. God really likes this kind of prayer. He likes to answer it. 

So, make this new song your heart's cry.

And be prepared for God to answer. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this new song by Hillsong! If you haven't heard it yet, here's a YouTube link. Take a listen! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neZkRT35J40

How does this song speak to you or resonate within you? What are some other heart cries in this song? 

How has God stretched your faith? In what other ways is He stretching You and revealing Himself to you?

Holiness is Dangerous

Holiness is dangerous.

It threatens complacency. It is the death warrant of my sinful lifestyle. It means the end of myself. Holiness destroys the comfortable lies I've settled in.
Holiness is dangerous.

"We have lost our sense of awe for the holiness of God."

I have not been able to shake this phrase from my mind. It keeps coming back. One of my college professors brought this up in class one day. We were talking about the tabernacle and worship in the Old Testament. And about God's holiness.

The Bible is full of stories of people who took holiness seriously and people who did not. God said don't do something, they didn't do it or there would be consequences (Don't touch the ark of the covenant or you'll die). God said do something. They did it and were blessed (Consecrate yourself and live according to what God says, and you'll be blessed and have peace). Or they did the complete opposite and suffered the consequences.

Holiness. Set apart. Consecrated. Purified. In the Old Testament, God chose the Israelites to be His people and to bear His name. The children of Israel were to be different from all the other nations who had pagan gods and demonic rituals and sinful lifestyles. The Israelites were called by the name of the Lord and were to follow the patterns of living that He set out. They were to be different from all the other nations, so that the world would know who the true God was. They were to be holy. Set apart unto the ways of God. Consecrated from the filth of the flesh and purified for worship of the one, true God. The God who defines holiness. He is holy.

It's interesting and incredibly sad to see what happened in the Old Testament when Israel compromised. When they decided they wanted to be like everybody else. When they decided to embrace the religious practices of the nations around them. When tolerance set in and it was decided that God's way wasn't the only way to do things.

Israel fell.

I'm not slamming Israel. Nor am I trying to make a point about America. This post has nothing to do with either. This is an illustration.

This is about you and me.

The nations of the world rise and fall. But we're not of this world, are we? We belong to a different nation. The spiritual Israel, if you will. The kingdom called by the name of the Lord and called to be holy as He is holy. Called to follow the patterns of living that He has set out. Called to be different from all other nations, so the world may know who the One True God is.

Called to be holy. Set apart from the ways of the world. Consecrated from sin and purified for a life of worship. Worship of the God who defines holiness. Who is holy.

And holiness is dangerous. The lifestyle God demands is dangerous. It is the death warrant of a sinful lifestyle. It is the threat to complacency. It means the end of myself. Holiness aims to destroy the comfortable lies I've settled myself into. It means I'm going to look different from the rest of the world.

It means no compromise. God's way is it or die.

Which the world finds a very threatening thought.

But no one ever said holiness and living for God was safe.

So live it anyways.

Don't Despise the Process

I love summer.

Summer means being woken up by sunshine streaming through my window. It means going to sleep to the sounds of frogs and crickets. It means sleeping with my window open and feeling breezes blow through my stuffy, second-story bedroom window.

Summer means BBQ chicken and lemonade at a picnic table with my family. It means camping trips and sleeping in. It means water fights and homemade ice cream.

Summer means working in the sun, refueling my depleted bank account, and getting my tan on.

Summer means no homework, no classes, no school. No papers, no due dates, no finals, no tests.

Wait, did I say no tests? I didn't mean that. But maybe tests isn't the right word. Maybe trial? Or refining? Or maybe process is a better word...

See, for the past three years now (ever since I started college), no school for me means processing time. Refining time. Trial time, test time. Summer means Corinne gets to reflect on the past school year and ask God what needs to change before the next school year.

This summer is no different.

Did you know that asking God to pry you open and shine His light into you is a dangerous thing to ask? It's like asking Him for patience. He grants your request but the process of it is not pleasant at all. When the process starts, you wish it would just get over with and the end result would just happen.

Unfortunately, in my 20 years and 11 months experience of living, I don't think God has ever been like "Hey, you need to fix this! So let's just fix it! Boom! You're fixed!"

Nope. Normally it goes more like this:
"Hey Corinne, we need to fix this. Let's go through this process of discovery and conviction and struggle and surrender, release and healing. It's going to be tough and it's going to hurt. Let's do it."

Ouch.

I heard someone say once that God is not so much interested in giving you what you want as He is in your knowing Him as the Giver. He's more interested in your knowing Him as Healer than He is interested in your healing (sidenote: do not misread this and say God doesn't want to heal. That's not what I'm saying).
I think the same principle applies here. God's primary goal is for us to know Him. The best way to get to know someone is to do life with them. Life is a process and a journey. So God walks us through life. Through the process. Through the journey. Cuz He wants us to know Him. So He uses our imperfections and our failures and our shortcomings and our trials and temptations and all our stuff to help us know Him. Nothing in this life is an end in and of itself. Every event, every relationship, every everything is placed in your life for the purpose of you knowing God more.

So, I guess what I'm saying is this: Don't despise the process by which God shapes your character and molds your heart. He wants you to know Him, so He'll shape you and help you do so. It's uncomfortable, it's painful, it's stretching and it's growing. But it's all those things for a purpose. Be uncomfortable. Hurt. Stretch. Grow. Know that this process is designed for you to run to the One who knows you best and who will not leave you to the process by yourself. Let Him walk you through it. Better yet, walk with Him through it. It's a process, not something to be jumped or skipped. Even though it hurts or is hard, it's ok. It won't last forever. And when we get to the end, the results will be worth the hard work. It'll be worth the process.

Strike a chord with you? I want to hear about it! :) Leave me a comment or shoot me an email! What process has God taken you through or is He taking you through? What did you learn about Him and yourself? Or what are you learning?

A College Student's Application of 1 Corinthians 13

August 30, 2012

If I get all A's and stay on top of all my homework, but don't love those around me, I'm wasting my time.

If I have the right answers and intelligent replies, but don't love those around me, my words are empty.

If I manage all my time well, get all tasks accomplished and all practice hours in, but don't love those around me, I've missed something.

Love means kind words and appropriate responses. Loe means smiling at and talking to anybody, regardless of their major, manners, personality or agreeableness. Love means patience and grace. Love means really listening. Love means helpfulness and sweetness, regardless of circumstances, emotions or personal opinion. Love means honesty without cruelty.

Wisdom will be needed. As will grace and discretion.

Lord, teach me to love You by loving Your people. Teach me how to love those I come into contact with. Teach me how to respond, how to act, how to speak, how to smile, how to look. Ultimately, may I be swallowed up in You. May You consume me so that when people see me, they see You and our relationship.

Why So Busy?

SPRING BREAK!!!!!

A wonderful week for college students. No papers, no reading, no classes. No pressure. No due dates. No homework. Nothing.

But, we normally fill the space with as much fun, "relaxing," stuff as we can.

As I'm heading into my spring break, I am pondering the question of why do we make ourselves soooo busy?

Because personally, my life right now is rather insane. You have no idea how happy I am to be on break right now.

When someone asks me how things are going, I usually respond in one of two ways:
1). Busy!
2). Crazy busy!

When someone asks how I am doing, I have two rehearsed answers, either one of which may apply at any moment:
1). Good
2). Tired

I'm guessing I'm not alone in this. In fact, I know I'm not alone in this. Maybe it's just a Bible college thing, but the majority of my friends usually find themselves in this place as well.

So I am asking, why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we cram so much into our lives?

I am especially asking this question because I myself have a habit of cramming as much as possible into my life. And going and going and going and going till I have run myself to the ground. As many credits as possible, as many music opportunities as possible, as many jobs as possible, as many leadership opportunities as possible...and this results in as much homework as possible, as few free weekends as possible, as much muisc practice as possible, and as little sleep as possible.

Why?

What it is about being busy?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think we're just supposed to sit around doing nothing all day. We are supposed to work and do things and be productive. It's good to do things and to "have a life," if you will. And we fill our lives with good things! School and church and bible studies and extra curricular activites and jobs and friends and families...all really good things!

But why do we run around like chickens with our heads caught off?

Is anyone else asking this question? Does anyone else find themselves in the place of utter exhaustion, feeling like you have nothing left to give to anything or anybody? And does anyone else find themselves so busy, with so much scheduled into their day, that time at the feet of our Savior is compromised or done away with altogether? And does anyone else find that when they do have time to spend with Jesus, that it's hard to focus because there are a million other things calling out your name?

Why do we do this?

We all know the story of Martha and how Jesus chided her because she was so busy doing that she forogt to just be. To spend time at the feet of the Lord. We know that we aren't supposed to be like her, right?

So why do we still do it?

God dropped an answer for myself on me at church this morning. But it was very specific to me. I'm guessing we all make ourselves busy for different reasons. I may blog later this week about what God showed me about the state of my own heart, and some things that He has been showing me about this in general, but what about you? As I process this topic this week, would you join me? Can we examine our hearts together and honestly ask God, "why do I put so much into my life that I crowd You out?"

Because I'm pretty sure that while God intends us to be about His business, He never intended us to put so much into our lives that we end up putting Him to the side or wearing ourselves out so thin.

What do you think? Do you find yourself in this place sometimes? Is your life insane? Do you have time for Jesus?

Saying Goodbye

I hate saying goodbye.

I really do.

But somehow I seem to be in a season of goodbyes. And this specific season will probably last at least another year. And I am dreading it.

Allow me to explain.

I am in my junior year of college. Which means a). That I have dear friends graduating this year and b). That I will be graduating next year. So, saying goodbye to those leaving me this year and saying goodbye to those I'll leave next year.

But, graduation hasn't happened yet! I still have a few weeks.

Oh wait, I still have a goodbye to say tomorrow.

*Sigh* You know those people who somehow just get a hold of your heartstrings? There's just something about them, they have a way of stealing your heart in some fashion. I have a habit of "adopting" such people. I have a whole slew of adopted little brothers and sisters.

Three of these "adopted" kids happen to also be my actual brother's best friends.

Aren't they precious? They're two years younger than me and I've known them for years. And ever since they entered high school and we were all in youth group together, they've been my little brothers. I've gone to Mexico with them, gone on dozens of youth group outings and attended hundreds of youth group bible studies with them. I've worked with a couple of them on worship teams and have pushed at least of one them to grow beyond their comfort zone. Our families have gone camping together, we've hung out so many times. And even after beginning college and being around them less, they're those type of friends that you can just pick up where you left off with, no matter how many months have passed since you've last seen them. My little brothers.

Why am I bringing all this up?

Because one of them is moving. Across the United States. 

I hate saying goodbye. 

Even though I know that this is how it has to be, even though I know God will take care of this kid, even though I know this is just a part of life, and I know I'm being such a girly big sister, that doesn't change the fact that I hate goodbyes. All that knowledge doesn't change the fact that I feel incredibly sad. 

Why? I have no idea. If you figure it out, let me know.

Because this is just the beginning of the goodbyes that I will have to say even in the next year. This year alone I must say goodbye to an amazing teacher who is moving on to another school; I must say goodbye to a dear Montanan couple who have had a huge impact on my life; I must say goodbye to dear friends from Hawaii who brighten up my day; I must say goodbye to dozens of others who will be leaving and moving on. And next year at this time I will be getting ready to say goodbye to those who I will be leaving as I move on. 

So, how do you deal with goodbyes? How do you make the most of every moment, knowing it won't be forever? How do you go about saying goodbyes? How do you deal with pieces of your heart going all over the place with the people you have developed friendships with? 

I have previously not asked specifically for feedback on this blog, but if you would comment on these questions, I would love to hear what you have to say. I would mostly love to know that I'm not the only one that this happens to. Although I'm strange like that, so it wouldn't surprise me. 

How do you deal with saying goodbyes to dear friends? 

A God That Blesses When I'm Not Looking.

Can I just brag to you about my God for a minute?

He's so funny. He likes to do things for me when I least expect it.

Here's my current situation that brings this up:
The other day I got a part time job offer teaching at the Lesson Factory. I could use the extra money, and I enjoy teaching piano, so at first I was pretty excited. And, to be honest, it was kind of flattering to be not even graduated from college and to get this kind of opportunity.

However, after praying about it and seeking some counsel on it, I decided now was not the time. I really don't have the kind of time to put in that they were wanting, and I need more flexibility with my schedule. Long story short, I didn't take the job.

Remaining issue: I could still use some extra cash. I have a car that needs fixed and school to pay for. And no time to commit to a normal job.

Now, when I prayed about the Lesson Factory, I asked God for peace in whichever decision (yes or no) was right. And I said if this was from Him, great. I also said that if not, then I was going to trust Him to provide something else. Because, if I'm being really honest, I was a little scared that I was going to make a wrong decision and then doors would never open up there again. But I made my choice and let it go.

Here's the fun thing.

I clean for a super-sweet elderly lady every other weekend. Today happened to be one of those weekends. And she mentioned that a relative of mine was actually wondering if I could pick up some hours cleaning for her as well.

The great thing about this is that it would be on the weekend, which I can manage, and it would alternate with my other cleaning weekend, making so I don't have to reschedule anything or try to work around my already crazy life. It would fit perfectly into a spot I have and if I need that day off for something, it's easier to get it off than it would be working elsewhere at, say, the Lesson Factory.

Now, it's not as glamorous as teaching piano by any means. But that ok with me. If this works out, it gives me the few extra hours of a job that I need and it doesn't require me to give up anything else or set up expectations I can't commit to. It works for me.

And I was definitely not looking for anything.

Gotta love how God brings in those blessings when you're not looking.

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)

Lost of times when you're not looking. :)

Never Again

I will never have this moment again.

I will never have this day again.

It's gone.

I've been thinking lately about how easy it is to look to the future. Especially as a college student, it's easy to look ahead and say "When I get out of school, I'll do such and such." Or "When such and such happens, I'll work on this." Always looking to the future, always waiting for tomorrow.

Hey, there's a song about that! If you listened to Stellar Kart a few years ago, you know what I'm talking about ;D The lyrics go like this:

Always waiting for tomorrow
Always waiting for the new to come around
Still waiting for tomorrow
Always waiting for anything but now

Now, don't get me wrong, it IS important to plan ahead, to look ahead and to have a goal in life!
BUT it is really easy to be so excited for the future, living so much for tomorrow, that we miss out on what God is doing now.

I think it's important to have a dream and a goal and to know where God is calling us. But let's not miss what God has for us now.

Because we will never have this moment again. You will never be exactly who you are, in this very place, in this very moment, in this very situation, with the same people, with the same emotions, with the same thoughts all together, ever again. Today will never happen again. Similar days may happen. But you will never have today back.

I'm reading The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis right now. If you don't know what that is, it's a series of letters written from the perspective of one demon to another, concerning the tempting methods of a man. There is a chapter in which the demon writing gives advice to the demon receiving the letter, concerning how to get his human to view time.

"...the Present is the point at which time touches eternity...Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we sometimes tempt a human...to live in the Past...It is far better to make them live in the Future...it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities...To be sure, the Enemy (God) wants men to think of the Future too--just so much as is necessary for now planning the actions of justice or charity which will probably be their duty tomorrow...He does not want men to give the future their hearts, to place their treasure in it. We do...we want a man hag-ridden by the Future...We want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow's end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewithal to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered them in the present."

This was sobering to me, because it made me consider--how much time do I waste worrying about what's ahead or thinking so much about my future, that I forget to make the best opportunity of what God has placed before me now.

I go to a fabulous school. I have amazing people in my life. I get chances to lead worship, both at my church and my school. I get to learn daily more about God and people and music. I get to live here where I am, with these people around me, doing the things that I get to do now.

And I will never have this unique blend of time, place, people and opportunities that I now have, ever again. Tomorrow will be different. The next season of my life will be different.

So how am I living now?

Happy Single's Awareness Day!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Or Single's Awareness Day. Whichever you prefer.

I feel like Valentine's Day is somewhat of a touchy subject for some people. And it's no big deal for others. And it's a joyous, lovey dovey occasion for others.

Who knew one holiday could be celebrated so many different ways?

You have your non-single people, whose brains probably look something like this:

And you have your single people, whose brains probably look something like this:

OR something like this:

Personally, I find myself in a cross between Godzilla up there, and this:

Kidding! But not really. Depends on the day. I just really wanted to incorporate that Justin Bieber song in this posting...

All kidding aside, some people make a big deal out of this day, and others don't. And the reasons for doing so or for not doing so are, I'm guessing, about as unique as the individual the reasons come from.

Before I continue, I would just like to say, that if you have a significant other to celebrate this day with, blessings and happiness to you. I hope this day is wonderful and romantic and memorable. I really do. Now, know that the rest of this posting is directed towards singles, but you may get something out of it too. 

Everybody watch this:  http://youtu.be/XtbW_2FONn8

Ok, my single friends. Hear me out. I'm single too. As single as they come. My mother had been married for a year by the time she was my age. (I'm 20. You do the math) I have close friends who are in serious relationships, or engaged, or married. I have a friend younger than me who's been married since this summer! Couples are hooking up all around me, seriously like all the time. I go to a Bible college for crying out loud. 

I know what it's like to want a boyfriend and not have one. I know what it's like to like someone and have them pay special attention to your friend instead of you. I know what it's like to have someone like you and to not like them back. I know what it is to be single. Trust me. I know what it is to have that little creepy voice whisper in the back of your mind saying "Something is wrong with you. You're not worth loving. You're not worth pursuing. No one will ever want to go deeper into who you are. You're not worth knowing. Suck it up."

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's ever gotten that message. So let's walk through this together, shall we? This isn't about Valentine's Day. This is about our hearts. Because what's in our hearts is magnified in situations like this. In other words, your attitude towards this day is indicative of what's going on inside of you.

What I have found is that I cannot, cannot, cannot base my social status, my value, my worth, my affirmation, my future, my anything, on other people. The only only only only person who can silence the creepy voice of worthlessness is Jesus Christ. And I am firmly convinced that if I am not whole and complete and significant and loved and loving without a guy in my life, then I will not be all those things with a guy in my life. Yes, I want to get married someday. Yes, I would love to have a boyfriend. But I also know that this is a time of my life that I will never have again. And for me to waste a lot of time wishing for what isn't mine in this season, is to miss what is for me in this season. If all my energy and thought life is spend wishing for a guy, then I'm missing out on the blessings and opportunities God has right in front of me. The guy will come. My job is to travel the road I'm on faithfully until God joins our two roads together. 

If you are freaking out about this day because you are single, I would like to humbly and gently offer this piece of advice: relax. It's ok. Take a deep breath. You are not the only single person in the world. And you have the rest of your life ahead of you. 

And your worth is not reliant on you having a significant other.

Now, what I'm not saying today is that we should all want to be nuns or monks or that we should stop liking people or stop wanting to fall in love. That is not what I am saying.

What I am saying is let's not freak out. Rest in knowing that when the time is right, it'll happen. And I firmly believe that if we let God write our love story, rather than trying to tell Him how we think it should go, it'll be so much more beautiful. 

Enjoy your day today. Knowing that regardless of your current relationship status, you're ok. Life is full of seasons. Enjoy the one you're in. It's not forever. 

We're ok, my single friends. We're ok. And there is nothing wrong with us. Don't let anyone tell you that there is. 

Happy Valentine's Day. :)

Sex Sells.

Sex sells. Obviously.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go off on a tirade about all the sensual Super Bowl commercials like thousands of other people are probably doing. Nor am I going to discuss all the elements of Beyonce's half time show (which, don't get me wrong, she's a talented artist. It's too bad though that her performance made her another object for men to watch and drool over).

But hey, this is our culture, right? A world where female performers are expected to show skin, dance their butts off (literally), and give those dark mysterious looks into the camera? A world where "Two Broke Girls" pole dance "because it's the Super Bowl." A world where women and girls are brought into New Orleans specifically for the Super Bowl, to "service" anywhere from 25-50 men in a day. A world where what used to be something sacred and beautiful has been reduced to nothing more than an exchange of saliva between whatever randomly-matched people a company chooses to publicize. A world where it's normal for a male model to prance around in his underwear.

Well played, Satan. Well played. You've managed to take some of God's most creative and beautiful ideas, you've taken His image-bearers and the highest possible level of human intimacy and you've managed to twist them, strangle them, mangle them, rip it all up and repackage everything as something appealing.

And we've bought it.

We've totally bought it. Because we are wired for intimacy. We are wired for sex. We are wired to admire the opposite sex. But something inside us is broken and we have stopped treating all this as something beautiful and God-ordained. It has become our god. Instead of a means of worshiping God as He intended, we have made sex our god.

So we live in a world where sex is glorified and publicized. A world where the expected "Secret Life" of our teenagers is sex. A world where women are expected to dress to show what they've got and act in ways guys like. A world where men are expected to meet the athletic, muscular profile. A world where we all have to be toned and tanned enough to look really good in a swim suit.

Does anyone else have a problem with this? Being told by culture that all you're good for is sex? Because that's essentially what all these messages mean. The expectations and standards of our world is that we are attractive and mysterious enough to maintain a couple of really intriguing romances before we get really old and wrinkly. And because no one wants to get old and wrinkly, do everything you can to "reverse" the aging process so you stay attractive. So that you're good for something.

We've created a mess for ourselves. A mess too big to explore in a blog. This page would go on and on if I kept pointing out messages and ways we're lied to.

I don't think we really need to be told though, do we? We know all this. Deep down inside, we know all this.

What are you going to do about it?

Seriously, not sarcastically or rhetorically or shrugging it off.

What are you going to do?

Just what I needed

I was not excited to wake up this morning.

Yesterday was a super long day, with me getting home around midnight, absolutely exhausted from a day of classes, work, Zumba, homework and going and going and going. And it just wasn't really my day. Ya know?

So when my alarm went off this morning...let's just say I hit the snooze button. Several times.

It was foggy. I was tired. I was achey. I didn't want to move. My bed was comfy, it was warm and who really wants to leave that? Especially when you know homework is waiting for your attention because it's due in a few hours...

Now, if I was more perfect, the next thing I'd have to say would be that I got up anyways, thanking God for the day with a smile on my face, did my devotions, listened to worship music as I got ready and the rest of the day was perfect.

Sigh. Not quite.

I did get up. Eventually. ;) I did thank God for the day. I didn't do my devotions (but I'm doing them tonight!), and I didn't listen to worship music as I got ready. I didn't pay close enough attention on my homework and therefore didn't do an entire page. I didn't get my piano practiced and I forgot about a test I have tomorrow (thank you Grace for reminding me).

But I'm still glad I got up this morning and that I have a Savior who loves me through my imperfections, less-than-stellar attitudes and failures.

Today I got to spend time with some dear friends. One in the morning as I did homework and had coffee, another during lunch, another on a half-hour walk in the sunshine. I got to go home for dinner with my family (a rare occurrence for me due to work schedules), and I had chocolate. :)

Maybe these things don't seem like big deals, but they were to me.

Being with friends and being with family are huge blessings to me. The sun was something I was really, really desiring (I'm like a solar-powered energizer bunny. Ok, not really. But if you lived in Oregon, you'd know the feeling of desiring sun the way we do). And coffee and chocolate are things that I really enjoy. Not life changing, but I still enjoy them.

In other words, today may not have been absolutely perfect, but it was sure full of blessings. And if I wasn't looking for God's love notes, He sure made them obvious.

He knows what blesses me and energizes me. And today He gave me a whole bunch of them. Just what I needed, when I needed it.

Even though I wasn't excited to wake up this morning.

I wish it could be this way every time I wake up like this. But the fog doesn't always lift, people aren't always around, chocolate and coffee take money and long days happen. And if all the things that make me happy were around all the time I'd probably cease to appreciate them.

Just what I needed, when I needed it. God's love notes. Sometimes really obvious, sometimes not. Today was pretty obvious :)

Thank You, Lord.

Light bearers

Light bearer.

A dear friend of mine brought up these words as she told me of something that had been prophesied over her. For some reason, those words have stuck in my head and heart over the past few days. We always hear the words "You are the light of the world, a city on a hill." We hear about how we are God's image bearers. We hear we are His representatives here on earth. We hear the world is a dark place, desperately in need of the light of Christ, the light of the hope we have within us.

But how often do we really "get it."

I'm realizing a lot lately how much I "know." I grew up in church, I know the right answers. Someone says something I've heard before and my response is usually (mentally) "Yeah, I know, I know." But do I really?

Do I really grasp the concept of what it means to be a light bearer? Christ says to His disciples "You are the light of the world...let your light shine before men."

What does that really mean? We sing the little kids song "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." What does that mean?

I love the Lord of the Rings. When I hear the words "light bearer" I think of Frodo. Partially because he was a ring bearer, but mostly because of the picture of him holding the pure light of Earendil in the midst of the filth, darkness and evil of Shelob's lair.

I think that's a pretty good picture of how we look spiritually in our world. Or should look.

Picture with me your town. I'm in Eugene. One of the pagan capitals of the world. It's a dark place. There is death, decay, destruction and horror everywhere. Not to the naked eye. But put your spiritual eyes on with me here. Lives torn apart, lies believed and embraced, demons worshiped. Darkness, blindness, filth. Much like Shelob's lair. Snares, entanglements and webs everywhere. And we have an adversary. Who would much prefer that we leave his turf. And if he can keep us in the dark, he's got the upper hand. He can lead us into anything, any web to take us out, if we can't see where we're going.

But we can see where we're going. Or, we should be able to see and discern where we're going.

We don't have the light of Earendil. But we have something even better and more powerful.

We have the light of Christ.

The light that reveals, guides and causes darkness to flee. The light that is pure, clean, healing and restoring. The light that keeps the enemy blinded and gives us the upper hand. Darkness cannot exist where there is light.

So in your world today, in your town, in your work, in your school, in your home- do not fear the darkness. Regardless of what destruction may be going on all around you, regardless of the hopelessness, regardless of the lies and evil all around. Do not fear. Do not give up. Do not give in. Do not allow your light to be belittled or extinguished. Cling to the hope of Christ. Let that hope drive you. It will shine out of you.

Though there is utter darkness everywhere, we do not walk as those who cannot see. Walk forward light-bearer.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." -Ephesians 6:12

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." -John 1:4-5

Wishing for perfection, living in grace

I wish I was perfect.

Ever feel that way? I hope I'm not the only one.

I find myself always caught up in this thought process: I wish I was perfect. But if I was perfect then I wouldn't need Christ. But I do need Christ, and I want to need Christ. But it's because of my imperfection that I need Him. If I was perfect, He wouldn't have had to suffer for me. But He did, because I'm not perfect.

I still wish I was perfect.

If I was perfect, I'd never say anything stupid, or mean, or out of place. I would never hurt anyone or let anyone down. No one would ever have to be disappointed in me or hurt by me.

I'm so performance-oriented. Maybe that's why I wish I was perfect. Perfection means never messing up which means never letting down. Always doing or saying the right thing.

I'm not perfect. I say stupid things. I hurt people. I am naturally selfish and self centered. I let people down. I speak when I shouldn't, and don't speak when I should. I fear change and loss. I allow my mind to go places it should not.

Today in the Romans and Galatians class I'm taking, we talked about justification and how it's a positional term. It comes through faith and is not reliant on works. Our works are a result of our justification, not the means by which we are justified.

I struggle grasping that. Our culture is so performance-based, our whole lives we are screamed at by the world to perform, perform, perform to gain acceptance. Wear this, do that, say this, don't say that, listen to this, watch this, be this way, follow this model if you want to be accepted out here. Especially for artists, our acceptance in the world is based on what we can do. Our culture values those who can contribute to society and has no sympathy for those who have nothing to bring to the table.

So opposite from the kingdom of God. God welcomes those who have nothing to bring, He searches those out. His heart is to justify those who cannot justify themselves (which is all of us).

I still wish I was perfect. I'm still being worked on. It's a process. Someday, in the next life, I will be made perfect. Until then, I am justified and perfected in the eyes of God and there is grace that covers all of me. Blood strong enough to cover my sin, grace sufficient to sustain.

"God, I've let you down so many times." "No. You were never holding Me up...in this relationship, I hold you up." -The Chisel Sketch

"For is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not works, lest anyone should boast." -Ephesians 2:8-9

"What I did was unforgivable." "What I did on the cross was to take what is unforgivable and make it forgivable." -"Grace" sketch

"I have a great need for Christ. I have a great Christ for my need." -C.H. Spurgeon

The Blessing of Momentum

I've started this post several times, looking for the perfect creative way to describe what is going on in my heart and mind right now. And I can't quite find it. So I am just going to say it plainly.

I love Momentum.

Our awesome dance team at a youth conference.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, let me explain. I get to be a part of an amazing team of creative and talented people. We call ourselves the Momentum Team. And we get to lead worship and use our creative giftings to glorify God and to point others to Him. We also get to do some traveling, to represent the school we all go to. We've been to numerous high schools and several summer camps and youth conferences. 

I love Momentum. 

"Ok, Corinne, that's nice, but what's the big deal?"

 The "Chisel" Sketch

There is something special about this team. We consist of musicians, singers, dancers and actors and somehow over the past few years we've become a family. I'm not sure quite how it's happened. We come from several states, we all have different backgrounds and church and family experiences. We have different giftings and we have different personalities. But somehow, through our love for God and our love for what we do, a team has been formed that is unlike any team I've been apart of. 

And really, why shouldn't we be this way? After traveling together, performing together, leading together, working together, spending lots and lots of time together, why shouldn't we be like a family? 

We are :) I don't know how else to say it, or how to explain it, but this is my Momentum family. 

I don't quite know why I'm blogging about this, other than to say this: God puts the right people in my life at the right times. I've always appreciated this team, but lately I've been realizing even more just what a blessing they are to me. They make me laugh, they stretch me and push me to be better than I am. They encourage me, they care about me and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. My day automatically gets better after band practices and Momentum outings. 

Remember how I said that this blog would be dedicated to looking for God's love notes? Daily reminders of His love? The Momentum team is one of those for me. I realized after spending most of yesterday with them, that when I am around them, I have such a sense of delight and can feel God smiling down and whispering "This is a blessing from Me to you." God didn't have to put these people in my life, but He did. 

Momentum: "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until not. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of the grace...And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." -Philippians 1:3-7, 9-11

Some of our team in South Dakota for a youth camp this last summer.

Life, Love and God's Pursuit of Us.

So, I'm going to attempt my hand at blogging. This is kinda funny, cuz if you  know me at all, you know that I have a billion things going on in my life and me blogging right now means adding one more thing onto my schedule. As a music major with an 18 hour credit load, a work study job, taking piano lessons, teaching piano lessons, practicing and doing homework, there are definitely days that I wonder why in the world I am doing this.

This blog is going to be all over the place. My life is all over the place, as far as what I do, the moods I get in and the places I go. There is one thing though, that will resonate throughout this blog. That is my faith in Christ. I am not a perfect person. But that is why I need Christ. He is the reason I am alive today, and regardless of my current situation, mood, joy or frustration, His grace is what keeps me sane.

This brings me to the reason for the title of this blog.

Looking for His love notes.

I am convinced that God loves us with an everlasting love that pursues us. I am also convinced that He know the details of our lives and cares deeply about them. I am also convinced that since He is the one who created us, He knows the passions, desires, loves, likes, and dislikes of our hearts. He knows what makes our hearts beat faster, what makes us smile, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry, what moves us, what stirs us. Because of this, I am working to develop the habit of looking for what I call His love notes.

His loves notes could be anything at all that reminds me through out the day that He loves me. It could be a verse reminding me of His love. It could be a beautiful sunrise. It could be a light breeze playing with my hair on a sunny day (I like those). It could be someone in my life who gives a word of encouragement. Anything that God places in my path that reminds me of Him, His love and our relationship. Anything through which I hear Him whisper: "I love you."

I am going to be looking for His love notes on this blog. I am also going to be talking a lot about what is going on in my life. My hope is that this blog is a source of mutual encouragement: that you, the reader will be encouraged to know that you are not alone in the struggles and situations that you face, and I will be encouraged in the same thing as I hopefully get to read comments and responses from you.

My life is not perfect. There is going to be a lot of imperfection on this blog. But also a lot of God's grace and hope. And lots of looking for His love notes.