Wishing for perfection, living in grace

I wish I was perfect.

Ever feel that way? I hope I'm not the only one.

I find myself always caught up in this thought process: I wish I was perfect. But if I was perfect then I wouldn't need Christ. But I do need Christ, and I want to need Christ. But it's because of my imperfection that I need Him. If I was perfect, He wouldn't have had to suffer for me. But He did, because I'm not perfect.

I still wish I was perfect.

If I was perfect, I'd never say anything stupid, or mean, or out of place. I would never hurt anyone or let anyone down. No one would ever have to be disappointed in me or hurt by me.

I'm so performance-oriented. Maybe that's why I wish I was perfect. Perfection means never messing up which means never letting down. Always doing or saying the right thing.

I'm not perfect. I say stupid things. I hurt people. I am naturally selfish and self centered. I let people down. I speak when I shouldn't, and don't speak when I should. I fear change and loss. I allow my mind to go places it should not.

Today in the Romans and Galatians class I'm taking, we talked about justification and how it's a positional term. It comes through faith and is not reliant on works. Our works are a result of our justification, not the means by which we are justified.

I struggle grasping that. Our culture is so performance-based, our whole lives we are screamed at by the world to perform, perform, perform to gain acceptance. Wear this, do that, say this, don't say that, listen to this, watch this, be this way, follow this model if you want to be accepted out here. Especially for artists, our acceptance in the world is based on what we can do. Our culture values those who can contribute to society and has no sympathy for those who have nothing to bring to the table.

So opposite from the kingdom of God. God welcomes those who have nothing to bring, He searches those out. His heart is to justify those who cannot justify themselves (which is all of us).

I still wish I was perfect. I'm still being worked on. It's a process. Someday, in the next life, I will be made perfect. Until then, I am justified and perfected in the eyes of God and there is grace that covers all of me. Blood strong enough to cover my sin, grace sufficient to sustain.

"God, I've let you down so many times." "No. You were never holding Me up...in this relationship, I hold you up." -The Chisel Sketch

"For is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not works, lest anyone should boast." -Ephesians 2:8-9

"What I did was unforgivable." "What I did on the cross was to take what is unforgivable and make it forgivable." -"Grace" sketch

"I have a great need for Christ. I have a great Christ for my need." -C.H. Spurgeon